Zombie Survival Guide version 2
by Doctorre
Summary: My response to some idiots survival guide who insists on being a knife-god.


HOW TO SURVIVE A ZOMBIE ATTACK OF VARIOUS SCALES

**HOW TO SURVIVE A ZOMBIE ATTACK OF VARIOUS SCALES**

Welcome one and all, whether you are the potato on the couch or the jock doing a research project. You are reading this to learn valuable skills that will save your life and that of those around you in the event of a Zombie outbreak. For convenience, I will break these skills up into groups.

Types of Outbreak

The Zombie Anatomy

Your group make-up

Weaponology

Fortification

Transportation

Long term survival

By following these guidelines, you increase your chances of survival in the event of a zombie outbreak.

Types of Outbreak

First off, you need to determine how far the virus/disease/mutation has spread. I have taken the time to classify these into categories. They will be explained in detail as they are announced, and a separate guide will be created by request on how to get out of each type of outbreak.

First, there's the Confined Building level. This means the zombism has been confined to one building or complex, and usually precedes a larger outbreak. If you see one of these, you should begin to make preparations, and more importantly, stay out of the building.

Next, we have the Confined City Level. The odds have been stacked against you, and getting out will be impossible until weeks after the outbreak. Until then, you should try your best to hold out, which I will also cover in this guide. Crowded areas should be avoided (I.E. Malls, Stadiums of any kind, public centers, libraries, and most importantly, never, ever, ever go into a Wal-Mart or Krogers!) because of the fact that zombies generally wander about, and are prevented from leaving these areas en masse.

After that, we have the infamous National Outbreak. Things get sticky here, because now, even Homo sapiens can become your enemy. Hiding is just as important as holding out now, and stockpiling essentials is a must. You must refrain from stealing from other survivors, they may be your only company someday. Beware roving mobs of zombies, if only because of the doom you will bring upon those around you. There is little chance of escaping these, and no matter what happens avoid military depots, less you be mistaken for a zombie or bandit.

Lastly, there's the worldwide outbreak. The undead are rampant, those that survive will soon be competing for food and other necessities. The only way out of this is forward in time. You have to last twenty years for the zombie threat to decompose and the world be safe for you to repopulate. Cities must be avoided until the small towns and gas stations run out. Even then, I believe the safest place to be is in deep water. But enough of that, onto anatomy!

Zombie Anatomy

Okay, you've established the enormity of your plight. Now you need to know your enemy! Most infections I've ever heard of are passed on by the zombie exchanging bodily fluid with a human. Even having a zombie spit in your mouth appears to be enough to do you in. Anyways, the virus comes into contact with your blood stream and then progresses up towards your brain. If you are bitten on the arm, you probably have a few hours in you left. If you are bitten on the neck, you may have a few minutes to live. Then the body dies as it normally would, then the virus somehow restarts the brain. Because of the time involved necessary to restart the brain, the brain itself suffers some damage, inhibiting coordinated movement such as jumping, running, climbing, even walking up stairs or working a door knob is impossible for them. They can't interpret sight very well, so the sense of smell is strong in zombies. Hiding behind a tree is useless, they will find you. More anatomy now, the blood is also clotted, and none of the organs save the brain function. This is why body shots have no noticeable effect. The only way to truly kill a zombie is to destroy the brain. You can slow them down by breaking the kneecaps or legs, but this is inadvisable. If you cut a zombie in half, it is not dead. It can still bite you, or cut you with its fingernails. I will embellish on how to kill a zombie in upcoming chapters.

Group Make-Up

The lone wolf is guaranteed to die in a zombie outbreak. There is no other possible outcome, you will need help. Here I will tell you who should be in your group, what kind of skills are needed, and how many.

First off, there is power in numbers. Unfortunately, there is also weakness in too many numbers as well. The ideal group size is between 5-10 people, all with useful skills and a healthy condition. They stay under the radar, and contribute to the group as an individual. Too many people attract zombies, security becomes difficult, and providing is near impossible. Unless you have a large secure location and food supply, small groups work best. In the ideal survival group, you all need to be able to work any kind of gun, and wield anything as a weapon. There are no defenders, drivers, fighters, or other positions that entail fighting because it is given that each group member is already a killer. The skills I'm talking about are carpentry, cooking, medical officer, mechanic, leader, things like that. You should use your skills to contribute to the group as an individual and as a team. I could try and explain what is expected from each member, but I can't know every situation, so you'll have to improvise here.

The most important part of being in a group is to be in good spirits, always. If you're feeling steam towards another member, talk about it. Being cooped up with another person you hate for years is as sure as walking into a zombie filled street with raw steak strapped to yourself. Find some entertainment, reruns of cartoons, video games, music, anything for you to look forward to is more important than a days worth of food. That's it for group make-up, onto weaponology!

Weaponology

Okay, now that you have a basic understanding of zombie anatomy, and a group you can rely on, it's time to arm yourselves. As hard as it may be, don't immediately pick up the shotgun and say, "All set."

What happens when you run out of ammo, or you can't reload fast enough? You become zombie chow, unless you follow what I say very closely.

You will need to have a ranged weapon. Shotguns are commonly found and are ideal for cutting through rotting flesh, but you need to kill the brain, not the body. In order of choice, the best ranged weapons you could find are semi-automatic pistols with extra clips and ammo. Rifles are too large for close-quarter combat, as are shotguns. I'd suggest a rifle or a shotgun for medium to long range, but for ten yards, the pistol is compact and deadly enough to do the job, and do it efficiently. But say you run out of ammo, what then? You use the stock as a bludgeon? It will break, and you'll be defenseless again

No, you should carry a melee weapon. This should be light, easily snapped out (incase of a surprise closet jumper) Hammers are nice, but can get stuck in the skull. Metal Baseball bats are equally as nice, but a little heftier, and if you get tired they'll stop doing as damage. The best melee weapon would be a katana (Japanese curved sword) or a crowbar. Katanas can cut straight through a man, and crowbars are ideal for going through eye sockets. My ideal kit would be two Berettas, and a crowbar.

Weapons you should not even try to use on zombies include BB guns, nail guns, any kind of fully automatic gun, and single shot anything. These weapons have no affect on a zombie, or are to hard to use successfully against them. Fully automatic guns only put lead in him. If you fire in bursts at the head they may be useful yet. Nail guns require a compressor to operate, so they make you too slow to be useful.

Fortifications

Okay, you've acquired weapons, hopefully some friends to watch your back and do some other useful chores, and are now roaming about. Stop, and look around you. Look for anywhere people aren't. Public Centers, Wal-Marts (especially!), schools, and most factories, all are dangerous except for the abandoned kind. You need an out of the way place, so you can hide from the relentless undead and wait for them to decompose.

From what I believe, the best place to hide is not in Wal-Mart or in any other place where people gather. Because, there will be bandits, and there will be a myriad of zombies. The best place is in or near the woods, or if possible on a boat in the ocean. Zombies can't swim, only walk under water or float. If you don't have that luxury, then you need to find a building with few ways in, and all easily covered from one location.

Next you need to block those entrances, and still leave yourself an out. A heavy crate is above a zombie, because they cannot climb, jump, or raise their feet more than a few inches. So, pile anything and everything in the way. This shouldn't be permanent, so you can get in and out in a hurry if you need to get supplies or escape if your perimeter is breached. You need to have perimeter guards, awake at all times of the day. If you want early warning, break glass around the entrances. Lock any entrances with locks, they prove an incredible challenge to zombies. Fences, gates, anything that's half a foot high is a good defense against them. (Note, they can still fall and probably get up after a while.)

If you can, get on top of a skyscraper or building with one door up. Easily defendable, and the safest place if the spread is not national or international. The other best place is the security room in a high max prison. Stay away from the bars, and clear out the staff. The inmates are safe in their cages, and you will be too if you stay away from them!

**Things Not to Do and Why**

Okay, for the Resident Evil/Left for Dead gamers out there, taking a knife and trying to decapitate a zombie is the stupidest thing to do you could possibly do while honestly trying to survive. You say, "No it's not, knives don't take ammo r-tard!" Then I say, what happens when it gets blunt? What happens when it gets stuck? What happens when you cut off the head, and it bites your foot off? Even worse, what happens when you're faced with a mob of zombies?

Sure, you could try to kill them with your knife, or thin their numbers, but they won't be stopped by pain, or the loss of guts or limbs. And let me tell you, you can survive a headshot from a shotgun. From a distance of maybe twenty yards, your shotgun is useless; it's even more useless when they're two feet from you. My friend, now is the time to drop the knife, pack up the shotgun, and snap out the metal baseball bat/crowbar. Cave the skull in, jab the eyeball sockets, do something other than slowly attempt to decapitate a zombie with your salvaged combat knife. Any kind of conventional knife would not be able to decapitate a zombie in any quick amount of time.

Next, don't think you'll be able to even get into a mall. If you're are trapped, you are more than likely dead. Unless you can find a minigun and a hella' large amount of ammunition. Picture you're conventional mall. All those people bumping into your shoulder now, will be eating your neck later. It won't lessen any, and they won't be grouped up in a huddle. They will be spread out, like a normal mall wandering aimlessly. Same deal with Wally World, on the first of the month. Raid the small stores, like gas stations and the like.

Never try to get an airplane unless you know a bunch of private terminals and how to fly, including drag, wind speed, vectors, and how to engage landing gear. And no, you will not survive a crash landing, and no, you will not survive a parachuting. You are more likely to be caught in a tree or crippled and eaten alive.

A zombie outbreak is not the time to decide to grow a heart. If you see someone who is physically or mentally crippled, leave them, or do them a favor and end their suffering before it begins. As matter of fact, a zombie outbreak is the perfect time to kill your bleeding heart.

**Closing**

After all that, you're chances of surviving are increased substantially. But if you take the time to think about everything that you need to do, you can make even better life-saving decisions. And, the odds of repopulating the Earth are minimal, unless you plan on incest being a major factor in reproduction. So as the last members of man-kind, enjoy yourself.


End file.
